I miss you cuz I liked it. I liked it when I was out there...

I think I'm sick. I can't breath. And my spells are getting worse and worse. Maybe it's stress, but I've been through things far more troubling than money without my body reacting this way. I can't breath. I can't breath.

It's silly to even imagine but still frightening that I have every symptom of brain cancer and every symptom of emphysema. Obviously I don't have these things or I wouldn't be alive right now.

But I can't breath, ever. I can't even think strenuous thoughts without loosing my breath. I can't breath right now. I don't know what to do. I can't find over the counter inhalers anywhere.

It's getting worse too. Why is medical insurance so fucking hard to get?

I can't breath. I don't know what to do.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change

The strength the change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

I am not a religious person, I don't even really know what I believe. But I do know that I needed this prayer this week.

And I don't fucking care what you think.

For some reason - and this happens every time I come here - after a few weeks I ineffably start having disastrous dreams about my family falling into ruins while I'm gone.

I've come to a realization that I am so ridiculously preoccupied with my family that I subconsciously feel they will cease to function without me.

If only the Id would just leave me alone. I'm sure these nightmares will pass. It just surprises and and frustrates me that, even at this great distance, my family has this effect on me.

I need to call them soon. I haven't in a while and have a feeling they may be angry with me.

Then again, this could just be my dreams causing me anxiety.



It's so nice to just be away from them though. I can't believe how different a person I am without them.

Home again home again jig-a-dee-jig....

So here I am back in the infinitly wonderous New York. But this time for a month. My dearest Nick is at work and will be until 11ish. Which leaves me pretty bored but considering I haven't been on line in over a month I'm thinking it is forgivable. lol. In an hour or so I'm going to walk over to the laundromat and clean me some clothes. I feel good about this.

Life is good, we bought some crystals at the flea market in Manhatten yesterday that I'm going to make into an ear ring and necklace. The radiator is working today so it's nice and toasty in the apartment and here I am curled up on the couch still in my pajamas 'cuz I'm too lazy to get dressed. Only one thing is missing from this cozy picture. But that which I love the most will be home soon enough. For now, I'm just happy to be here.

Yesterday Nick and I took pictures in the City while we shopped. When we came back to Crown Heights on the way home we took the last few of the evening. In these pictures I walked a ways ahead of Nick and stopped - this way we got the beautiful background and foreground with myself in the middle. People driving by honked and yelled and a few children told us we were cool. Ha. They thought I was a model. Wow. I still can't believe it.

Tonight is for laundry and lounging. Nothing more, nothing less.

For my family, Nick enjoyed the skittles Katie bought and sent with me for him. Hello to you all from New York. It's beautiful and cold here. Thank God for that. Enjoy the heat and I'll see you all next month. God, I love this place.

Now I know of nothing else to say, except that here I am happy. It's good to be back.

And it's good to be home.

I'll see you all next month.

The moment I said it.
The moment I opened my mouth.
Let in your eye lids
Bulldoze the life out of me.
I know what you’re thinking.
But darling you’re nothing constrained.
Suddenly things just happened, we can’t explain…

It’s not even like that…but you’ve somewhere to be.
No hesitation…no one ever sees you like this.
And I don’t like it…I don’t like it...I don’t like it at all.

Just put back the car keys…or somebody’s gonna get hurt.
Who are you calling at this hour?
Sit down, come round, I need you now.
We’ll work it all out, together.
But we’re getting nowhere tonight.
Now sleep, I promise it‘ll all seem better…somehow…in time.

It’s not even like that.
Suddenly…oh, you’ve somewhere to be.
No hesitation…oh, I’ve never seen you like this.
You’re scaring me…you’re scaring me…you’re scaring me…to death.

Don’t…oh (smash)…
Please don’t…oh (I do, please, another one)
Don’t…oh (smash)…
Please don’t…oh (I do, please, another one)

I’m losing you.
Trust me on this one.
I’ve got it bad for you.
Trust me on this one
You’re gonna throw it all away…
With no hesitation.

Today is the 18th. Happy what would have been our 8th month. I wish it hadn't started like this. I'm sorry that this week has been so rough that I couldn't call you. I'm sorry some stupid child got to you before I did. But some jealous girl's vendetta is not my fault. I could appoligize a hundred times, but, I know you, better than anyone else. And the internet doesn't mean anything.
YOU come first, I love YOU.
You are the one.
I can not and will not justify myself here. Tonight, let me talk. I'll tell you my side. Don't just listen to some stupid little girl.
I'm so sorry she talked to you before I could. I'm so sorry.

My stomach is writhing.

Talk to me.
No.
Talk to me.
No.
You need me.
You need me.

What are you staring at?
The little girl.
What little girl?
That one.
The blond?
With the white dress and pigtails.
Oh.
Yes.

Why her?
I don't know.
Do you love her?
In a way.
You love children.
Yes.
So you love her.
Yes.

Look at her.
No.
Why?
Because I know her.
So? I do too.
I know.
Then look.
No.
Coward.
Yes I am.

I want her.
You want her?
Yes.
Why?
Because she's beautiful.
So? So are you.
In a different way.
How?
She is young.
You were young once.
Once.
Once.

Hold my hand.
No.
Why?
Look at her.
WHY?
If you look I will hold your hand.
Fine.
What do you see?
I see me.
So do I.
Is that why you want her?
Yes. I think. I don't know.

Where is her mother?
Gone.
Was she ever there?
I haven't seen her.
Her father?
Gone.
What do you think?
I think I am dreaming.
YOU'RE dreaming?
Yes.
I think I'M dreaming.
Sure.
Hold my hand.
We are holding hands.
No we're not.
We always were.

You can't you know.
What?
She's not yours.
I know. I just like to watch.
Who is that?
Her dad I think.
Where's he taking her?
I don't know.
Oh.

Why would it be so bad?
Taking a child?
No.
Oh. You know why.
Why does it matter what they think?
You tell me.
I don't know.
Liar.
Yes.
Why does it matter what they think?
Because I care.
And they can make you miserable.
Yeah.
Why does that hold you back?
Being miserable? That's a pretty stupid question.
No. Caring.
Because I don't want to hurt them
Don't you think that if this is what you want they'd understand?
No.
Why?
Because they never do.
Then you're weaving your own web of discontent.
Shut up.
No.
Then fuck off.
No.

I'm right, you know.
No, you're not.

She's gone now.
Who?
The girl.
I know.
Yes.
I hope she is happy.
Probably not.
Shut up.
Less than half of America stays together. Why would her family be different?
I didn't say it was, I just hope she is happy.
She's not.
God, you're a downer.
No, I'm a realist.
No, I'm a realist.
You're a dreamer.
I am a pessimist with an optimistic attitude.
You're stupid.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I'M RIGHT!
Fine! You're right! Happy???
No.
Now who's weaving their own web of discontent?
You know what would make me happy.
And vis versa.
It is the same.
Yes.

This fight is endless you know.
No it's not. We already know what we want.
Yes. But it'll never end.
Yes it will. All things end.
No. They don't.

Let us let life choose.
We've already chosen.
No. We haven't. And we can't.
Why?
Because something has to happen first.
Yes.
Someday.
Someday.

Until then?
I don't know.
We wait.
Yes.
Hold me.
No.
Why?
I don't know.
Let me hold you.
Ok.

Perhaps this is only the beginning.
It begins at a kiss.
Then it began a long time ago.
Yes.
Then we are somewhere in the middle.
Yes.
Kiss me.
No.
Why?
I can't.
Why?
I don't know.
Then let me kiss you.
Fine.
You make me sad.

I love you.
Then kiss me.
No.
Then I will leave.
For good?
No.
Why?
Because I can't.
Good.

Good-bye.
See you soon.
Good-bye.
No.
Good-bye.
No.

Good-bye.
Come back.
No.

My stomach is writhing.

So I got online tonight to register for school again and got everything done except the acutal registering. Annoying. BC is telling me I have to wait until the sixth. Oh well.

Anyway. I was thinking about BC when I was talking to one of my friends about it earlier today and it made me remember why I left it in the first place. I hate core classes. Once one is out of high school school should be centered around one's career not what others want one to know. High school was terrible, I don't enjoy going to a college that is so incredibly reminicent of that time. It's rediculous. I hate not learning anything new.

And then there's the fact that I'm not even sure I want a career. Not because of some bum reason, but because I want a family. I want to stay at home and take care of wee ones. I hate that American's think it's a waste to have children and not persue a career. I hate that American's prioritize jobs over family. I don't understand this. To be quite honest it fucking pisses me off. I hate the pressure all this puts on those of us who are young.

Why must I be forced to have a career when all I want is to eventually have a family? Why the hell can't one's greatest aspirations be to have children and a healthy, functional, family?

I love my family, and I know that all they want is for me to have a "better" life than they had, but I think my definition of a "better life" is much different than theirs.

Fuck motivation and fuck laziness. I don't believe it's a matter of motivation or laziness because having and raising children well is not laziness. I think this is all just a problem of indecision.

Sooner or later I have to do what I want. Not what other people want me to do. Sooner or later I have to decide whether it's worth it to get a doctorates if I'm going to have children.

Why is wanting a family such a negative thing in this world? Is it because of the fact that less than 50% of Americans stay married? So basically it's a bad thing because the majority have lost hope that families can be anything more than mediocre and therefore have turned to the workplace for comfort. Thereby making the workplace family and family the workplace. Have the roles been switched?

It used to be that when man hated his job he quit, is this what has become of families? If you don't like yours you quit?

Fucking rediculous. I hate this societal robotic mindset American's insist of abiding by. Get your own oppinions. Why the hell is it so hard for people to do that? Don't jump off the cliff with the crowd, drive down in your car.

Fucking retarded. I love persons, I hate people. I love people, I hate society.

Well I have my own oppinion. Family comes first. No career is worth more. Yes, I will go to school and persue psychology because I love psychology - but the moment I have children and my family starts, I don't care where I'm at in school, family is first. Because I love family more than I've ever loves psychology, writing, singing, intamology, herpitology, egyptology, art, music, and fashion. In the end, those are just interests and my goal is family.

Fuck you if you dissagree with me. You have your oppinion and I have mine.

Tell me.
Am I too young?
I feel ancient.
I am ancient.

Though my body has, but six years yet.
And it is in need of mending.

Tell me.
Am I too young?
Draw your own conlusions.
Ask your own questions.

But answer mine.

I see them running.
Their smiling faces.
Their hands.
Their eyes.

They smile when I smile.
They laugh when I laugh.
I point and they look.

Tell me.
Am I too young?
Because my mother is younger than I.

Tell me.
Am I too young?
Not a single year has lasted less than four.
Not a single day less than seven.

Tell me.
Tell me.

Because I don't know.
And time runs out.

Time is always running out.

So this is the story. I finally had spending money for the first time since the amazing New York trip this pay check and was incredibly excited. The only bill I had to pay was my phone bill and that was pretty much less than half my check.

But then we had some massive problems with the phone company. See, since my dad's name is the main one on the account he has to give me permission to pay the bill. So he called to give them his permission but they were closed on Sunday so I couldn't call until Monday. When I called them they said he has to call before I do every time I try to pay the bill and give permission. The only way to make his permission permenant would be for him to send in a letter. So I decided I'd enjoy myself for now and pay for my phone on Friday when I get paid again.

Then the storage facility called. It turns out that I was 7 dollars short and my check for last months rent was rejected. So I owe them that plus next months rent.

Then I have rent for my apt.

Here's the kicker. Matt lost his job - again. Fucking again. So he can't make rent and, since he's been smoking pot again, there's no way he can get a job for another month or so. Fuck that shit.

So today, Tonya and I decided to kick him out.

The good part of all this is, my mom decided that for Christmas (early present) she's going to get my stuff out of storage. With my stuff out of storage Tonya and I don't even have to look for another room mate cuz after Christmas we can afford our place by ourselves. Fuck yes. And we get our own rooms.

In short, I'm pretty much not buying anyone anything until after Christmas.
We are, though, having a New Years party. I can't wait Nick (you must call me btw, I'm going insane), it's going to be amazing. We're not sure if it's going to be a masqerade(sp?)/Mardi gras-esqe party or a black and white party. We'll see. Either way 'twill be amazing.

One of the neighborhood girls told me her mother saw me at a bar.
It must have been a while back cuz, Cosmos aside, I can't remember the last bar I went to.

Anyway, I'd really, REALLY like to get drunk. I'm fucking losing my mind. I've no idea how I'm going to afford all this shit.

oie. wtf...?

So I have a massive delima on my hands here. Starting with my phone, taking a fork to visit my room mate and ending with now Christmas presents for anyone.

I hate money and all that it entails. Why can't we just trade valuable goods like every other country in the world? WTF??

Anyway. I'll finish this off when I have more time. I have a lot to do and not enough time to do it.

And I don't believe I'm going to sleep tonight. Oie....

This is not going to be fun.
This is not how I wanted to start the season.
Oh well.

Today I feel very appreciative of life. I don't know why. Perhaps it's because of On California Corners. But I really don't know.

It might also be because of my new friend Johnny O. We've been friends for a while but today we finally had our first real conversation. You know, besides stupid Target small talk. He's pretty cool.

Fucking Target.

I hate this time of year.

Anyway.
I know he likes me because of the way he hugs me and how he's always so eager to tell me how amazing I am. And I'm always hearing him saying things like "I love Frenchy, she's so cool," or "Isn't Frenchy awesome? I love her," when I walk away. And he's always leaving me little loving commentson myspace. I'm pretty sure he likes me more than he should actually. He's been giving me that look as of late. I can see the longing when I walk up and practically feel his eyes as I walk away. And when he hugs me it's almost like this massive release of tention only to be replaced by another type of tention. And I don't mean sexually, although I'm sure that's there too.

I'd really like to go back to school. I could be on my way to a doctorates right now. Instead I'm wasting my time at Tarjay. Although I did finally make my apointment to remove the HPV. I just hope it hasn't gotten worse since my last apt.

God, what the hell is the matter with me.

God it bothers me that there are so few schools that offer sexual psychology classes. It still boggles my mind that BC has two. God, I need to get out of this mother fucking town. I almost regret the things I did in high school that have brought me here.

Then again. I like me. I like who I am and it took all the rediculousness to get me here.

I'm also incredibly frightened that I will screw up. I can feel it. It's as though I'm destined to fail.

And I can't have a family and be a psychologist. This statement always bothers me when I think about school, my chosen proffession and the life I really want to live. It may seem like a massive cop out to you people out there, but it really bothers me.

I've got to have a family. It's not a want, it's a need. A must.

This entry is geared more to myself than anyone. Just speculation.
I feel weird. I feel like talking to myself.

I've danced this dance before. It's been a while though. It's too bad I'm not interested. I can already feel myself leading him on. The poor guy doesn't even stand a chance.

Boy oh boy, I'm a terrible person.

I feel emo tonight. Give me a knife that I might drive it into my arm. 'Twould be another lovely scar to add to the many MANY others. lmao. Normal people probably wouldn't find that funny. lol.

But I do.
lol.
I do.
lol.

Opera is playing in the living room. It's so lovely. I feel that I might be moved to tears.

Simply beautiful. I love opera.
I love to sing opera.
Nick, I wish you didn't make me so nervous, then perhaps I could sing to you. Really sing. I'm really quite good at it. You're just such a freakin music snob it makes me nervous. DO:< :O)

I like being friends with people who can't sing.
I expect that makes me pretty pathetic.
It does.

I don't care.
Concieted people can have low self esteem too.
lmao.
How ironic.
How oxie moronic.

I write novels in my head.
Compleat volumes in my sleep.
But when it comes to here.
When It comes to Now.
It's motivation I lack.
Not talent.

OH I'M SO EXCITED!!!

THIS IS GOING TO BE AMAZING.

I'm not sure how this inspiration is going to take form but, I'm sure, whatever it is, IT'S GOING TO BE AMAZING.

Tonight is a night for incredibility.

That's right, I said incredibility.

I feel inspired tonight...

Man, no comments. That makes me kinda sad. I'm totally unloved. Lame.

But yeah, if you still want to, call me.

I already said this, but thank you for calling. It meant a lot to me. Thank you for being here for me. Thank you so so much.

I needed you tonight, and, without me asking, you were there.

I'm sad too, all the time, and I'm sorry.

I hope we both feel better soon.

We still have each other, even if only in an abstract way.

Thank you so much for your call. Thank you so much for showing me that you care.

I love you, darling. Here's me kissing you.

You should fix this sadness of yours.
Or tell me how I could help.





PS: I can't WAIT to hear the finished product of your story. I'M SO EXCITED!!! And I'll be sure to soon look up the other story.

Awe Arrested Development is amazing. I'm in a much better mood now.

My cat keeps jumping in my lap and stepping in all the wrong spots. It's quite painful.

No, what I was really going to write is, I just noticed that in one of the episodes of AD, in the first season, there's this scene where George Michael is sad and walking around all sadlike and in the background theres a little red dog house with a beagal asleep on top.

Effing genius!!! I swear, theres something new every time you watch that freakin show!!! Freakin amazing!

So in a nut shell, I'm quite amused.

Also the actors who play Michael and Lindsey are both very attractive.

mmmyes...

And the fingernail polish is still perfect, about this I am also happy. This could be a milestone.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have written that. Please don't be offended. I'm just very sad.

But I wont delete it.

Today is the 18th. Normally this day would be a very special day. It has been for six months. I'm almost used to it being special.

I hate the colour gray. Black is awesome, white is ok, even brown is amazing - it's one of my favorite colours. But gray is terrible. Not hot, not cold. You'd think it'd be a happy median, but it's not. Nope. It's just crap.

"Sleep my friend.

Such a brittle leaf
As you lie upon the ground
I'm so worried

You look so feeble
So broken and hurt
Yet beautiful

I hate that all I can do is sit here and watch.
Watch as you lie
Sit as you sleep.

I can do nothing."

I was looking over my old blogs and found that poem.

I am somewhat angry right now. I almost want to write a fucking rant, but I think that might be a little too 7th grade. And yet, perhaps a rant journal is what I need.
Perhaps I will write in my real journal today.

I used to be so happy. You used to be happy.

"I'm really happy with life right now.

'Life is a happy thing right now. =)'"

You were supposed to be different. You were supposed to be stronger than me. I can't always be the strong one. But I am. And perhaps I always was.
I wish you didn't hate yourself so much, then perhaps this day would still be something special.
We could have been the ones who made it.
We could have been the ones who beat the odds.
And now we're not.
And I'm the one with the dunce cap.
I wish you hadn't given up.
I wish today was still ours.
I wish we were still happy.
I hate that we aren't and we both know we aren't, but neither of us does anything about it.
And I almost hate that you're not like the others.
I could easily get over the others.
And I hate being pittied.
I hate that you're probably not half as depressed as I am today.
I hate that we must wait until Christmas Eve to be happy again.

And I hate being sick, cuz it makes everything seem that much more dramatic.

I think I feel like writing a song.

Now I'm going to watch Arrested Developement, because it makes me laugh. And I am so God Damn tired of crying.

wake up wake up wake up wake up

I can't
wake up
I can't
wake up
I can't
wake up

Dream dream dream dream
sleep sleep sleep
time
sleep
time
sleep

Wake
awake
sleep
wake
sleep
awake

Stop
stop stop
stop

Please stop
please stop
please stop

Please
stop
please

Thoughts
thinking
never stops
never sleeps
thoughts
dreams

Dreams
cold
Freezing cold
frozen
ice
idon'tknowidon'tknowidon'tknowidon'tknowidon'tknow

I don't know.
I don't know.

Red
Dreams
Red
Dreams
Red
Dreams

Tired
Thinking
Sleep
Red
Dreams
Wake
Awake
Red
Awake
Red
Awake

Can't stop
Stop
Can't stop
Stop
Stop
Stop

Stop

Please just STOP









I've lost my mind

Sarah: "You're totally wearing flip flops."
Me: "I SO am."
"You're so California, Frenchy."
"Heck yes."

Sarah: "Yeah, Leah's pretty cool, you know, operator Leah? Except she seems like one of those girls who's always on her period."
Me: "Yeah, for real."
"Not in a PMS sort of way, just in a there's always tampons in her pocket, and in her trash can. Like if she where a lesbian there'd be no way she'd get a girlfriend."
"Yeah, she just seems to secrete pheromones."
"YES!!! YOU GET IT!!"

Me: "I love HEATH bars, they're the best candy bars EVER."
Sarah: "I like that they stick to your teeth."
"Heck yes, it's like leftovers."

Sarah: "AWE! That kid totally just made my day! He gave me this HUGE, sincere, smile and I just knew he'd grow up to be just like me."

Sarah: "Dude! Lets totally buy some mayonnaise to dip our cheese in for the trip! It'll be amazing!"
Me: "Heck yes!!! I LOVE mayonnaise! I'm so happy you do too!!!"
"I was kidding."
"I was so serious."

Sarah: "I love my make-up case, I love the little animals."
Me: "I love that the animals are totally rainbow."
"Yeah, it's colorful."
"RAINBOW ANIMALS ARE FUN!"

Sarah: "I like you Mz. Frenchy, you're fun."
Me: "Heck yes I am."

Micheal(to Sarah): "That is SO last season."
Me(to Micheal): "I don't believe in seasons, I believe in buying what looks good."
Sarah: "Heck yes! Thank you Dr. French!"

Sarah: "'Mr. Pants' is genius because it's like when you wanna say 'Mr. Smartypants,' or 'Mr. Crappypants' but you can't think of the right word so you just say 'Mr. Pants.'"

Sarah: "Sweet action."

Sarah: "WACKYWAVINGINFLATABLEARMFLAYLINGTUBEMAN!!!"

Sarah: "Modest Mouse is me."

Sarah: "I love how Frenchy and I have this thing where we're like 'you're totally doing something,' and 'I SO am."

Sarah: "AAAAHHHHAHAHAHA!!!"